The memorial two Saturdays ago was really hard to be at. They exhumed bodies from mass graves and put lime on them and they are now lying in rooms at this place called Murambi where thousands came to hide and were slaughtered. It was a school where the Rwandan students studied military and the French army was there. I felt like I was being disrespectful not looking at each person in there, but it was so hard. I knew I should stop, that I couldn’t take it any more, but I felt like I had to give each person the respect they deserve. I finally broke down and cried my eyes out. There was one little body of probably a two year old and his little shirt was still on his body, but his head was completely crushed in. That was the one that did me in; I just couldn’t understand how you could kill a baby. The form some people’s bodies took showed the way they died and you were able to see huge gashes through skulls, feet that were cut off, legs broken and laying in a way that was not natural, babies without heads. Our security officer was here during the genocide and is now a judge at gachacha and we asked her the other night if people feel remorseful for what they have done, and she stated that she has never seen or heard of anyone showing any remorse for their actions during the genocide. I remembered this while walking through the memorial, so it made it that much harder seeing all the bodies and knowing that those who did this do not feel remorse for what they have done. How can you not feel bad after killing hundreds of people, for slamming babies into walls and crushing their heads?! I am having a hard time with this and hope that I will be able to get past it, but I don’t see any way of understanding this. I know its probably a defense mechanism, that no one can feel okay about taking another life, but to not show it, to stand in front of people’s families and show no emotion for what you did? It makes no sense to me. I don’t think I will ever be able to understand what happened, but I am able to work in this community and love the relationships I am building with people. I was super depressed Saturday, but am feeling a lot better now and realized that I will never be able to understand the genocide, no matter how I try to rationalize it, its just not something that is comprehensible, but I am here, I am loving it and am amazed at how things have improved and how people have gotten past this tragedy and moved to a better place.
One of my teachers named me the other day. Mukobwajana. It means a girl who in order to marry you must give 100 cows. It’s only given to very beautiful girls, or so I’m told. :) We had a really fun night last Monday. The teachers were playing guitar and singing Rwandan songs and dancing. Everyone was having such fun, laughing and cheering. Thursday, I watched Sex and the City with some other trainees and that was fun too!
This past saturday, i went swimming with some friends and a teacher at the hotel in town and it was amazing! We dont get two day weekends, so having something super relaxing and fun is a necessity. We have classes on Saturday mornings, so we only get a day and a half of weekend.
A typical day for me is to wake around 6:30, go to breakfast at 7, language at 8-10, tea break 10-10:30, language 10:30-noon, lunch and break until 2:30, then a tech session from 2:30-4 and then another language class 4-5. After all the class time is done, we usually go play volleyball and/or basketball at the school down the road, then we have dinner at 7. we are free after dinner to do whatever.